What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...???

Seriously who thought that is a good motivating statement. Truthfully it always makes me think, "this time it's it, I'm done for" and wanna quit. For me I have found the whole count to ten much more helpful, then I merely need to survive a few seconds. But to be serious we all have those days. Sometimes there are sound reasons and sometimes it is just impossible to figure out. Either way I have that constant voice in my head reminding me to "breath". Lately things have been good and yet drama filled. It is like the kids can feel change coming on and must protest by driving you mental.

Having girls is fun and crazy and not always in that order. But I am glad they are my life. I often think of what I, just me not a reflection on my thought of others here just fyi, What I would be like if I hadn't of had the girls quick after getting married. And I have learned that I needed them much more than they needed me. I grew up because I no longer could think of myself. I learned to live without and not want more.

Some of you know what my life growing up was like. Trust me I had trials that no one would image but really materialy speaking I wanted for nothing. I had a new dress for every stake dance and got at least twenty or more outfits for school each semester. And I grew to love shoes. And at sixteen I got a car and seventeen I got a nicer newer one.

Getting married and having kids right away while going to school taught us to put others first. I love to shop don't get me wrong but I don't miss having the money to make it a hobby. I love living simply. Plus I am judged more (not always) on who I am not what I have. Growing up with money simply meant to others that i had no problems. Seriously people you think money solves everything, YOU ARE NUTS!!! All people have trials. And each of us must own ours. We cannot wish to trade lives. The grass isn't greener on the other side the blinding sun just makes ours look brown when it isn't.

I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who has planned out a good path for me to learn and grow from. I am getting good at seeing that and better yet appreciating it. And I am glad I made it to my eternal family. They aren't perfect and may drive me nuts, and I mean both my little family and mine with my parents and siblings. I love them all dearly and the more I grow up the more I get how hard it must be for our Father in Heaven to watch us letting us learn for ourselves. It would be much easier and less heart wrenching to simply fix things for us or make them easier. But thankfully he doesn't. He lets me learn MY WAY and you learn YOURS!!! Aren't you glad you don't have to live a life as someone else would. That is like having to fold your laundry the way the 80 year old woman down the street does.... not going to work for me!

I know that life gets rough and sometimes it is only for an hour or so but that is enough to make you want to pull your hair out. Trust me three girls screaming at me today for 20 minutes almost did me in. But I survived another day, and I made it because I prayed. I counted to ten and took a deep breath praying to help me figure this one little hour out. And he guided me through.

Last months visiting teaching message is totally going to be my next deep thought post.... For those you haven't read it, go read it, it is amazing! Anyways deep thought done for the day. If you have a day like me where the grass sure looks brown take some advice....

1. breath
2. pray
3. count to ten
4. breath some more
5. and then go tackle just a few more minutes at a time!

Relief Society Challenge

Alright so for the first time in six months I was able to go to Relief Society, don't get me wrong I love my primary class but it was fun to sit and talk with adults!

Anyways they challenged us for mother's day to begin doing something to cultivate our divine worth. It could be service or a hobby, whatever as long as it was helping us in our divine roles. So I thought I would continue to blog from the heart. Once a week I will take the time to write something important. I mean I love to go on and on about the silly parts of life. But you know it helps to write about the serious stuff too. And where better than my blog right. Most of you I don't see on a regular basis or even once a year, but you are my close friends and who I go to when I need advice. So maybe it will be a hardship I need to just write out and sort by myself. Sometimes it will be enlightenment I have gotten through hard work and inspiration. Whatever it is I will post it hear and tag it in my deep thoughts my marilee. I will probably cry when i write them because that is what I do. And I think a once a week 20 minute moment of clarity is good for the soul. Anyways just thought I would let you know what to look forward to!

Mother's Day

Well sad to say I have no pictures to show for this mother's day. But you know contrary to popular belief sometimes the words speak louder than pictures. And today I will show you how.

My morning started as every other morning, I looked at the clock rolled over and covered up in the cozy blankets and quiet bed. After a few minutes I could hear the shuffle of a pull up down the hall and then silence. Next thing I knew I felt the cool breath of my dear little one. She climbed into my bed, wrapped her arms around me, and kissed me sweetly and snuggled in. We then cuddled for several minutes before i decided it was indeed time to get up. We hugged one last time and then my day began. I climbed up got out the remotes and turned on the cartoons. I hoped into the shower and woke myself up. When I climbed out I hear yet again the pitter patter of little feet shuffle down the hall and then climb into my bed.

I talked with the girls for a few minutes about the night and then asked what each wanted for breakfast. While still wrapped up in a towel I quickly popped in the oatmeal and began to get dressed for the day. And seeing that it was yet again Sunday morning and we were running late for church I thought hey maybe we will just go late seeing we will be attending another sacrament later in the day. So I asked the girls what they wanted to do. And then they replied, "mom we have to go to church so we can sing you our special song." And with that I whirled into super mom mode and got us all bathed, dressed, and quafted in 20 minutes.

All the way to church the girls sang the same song to the radio, "I know that my savior loves me." Their sweet angelic voices were perfect and it make the beginning of a great day. We snuck into to church and squished into two seats. As the speakers talked about motherhood and the many blessing that it all in tails I listened but more importantly lived it. I colored and fed, snuggled and smoothed, I whispered and laughed, and encourged my little ones. Then the moment came when the primary children were suppose to go up to sing. Of course Isa refused to go because the thought of big groups totally freaks her out. So she stayed back and snuggled in my lap. Layla however was to excited and blew me kisses all the way up to the front. And she snuck her way up to the front and sang with such excitement. I could see she sang every word and my heart just melted. Nothing beats seeing your children so happy to be making you happy.

And then our day continued. We all made it to the bathroom together before class and chatted while in stalls or waiting by the sink. It is a time to talk you know, isn't that why we women go in groups?!!! Then off home and to church again.

The rest of the day goes like any other day but with slightly less whining. Then we get to my parents for dinner. For my day I wanted to sit and play the piano for a while so that is where I headed to first. Layla sat on the bench with me and sang along to all the songs. We sang blues, some folk, and lots of primary songs. It was one of those moments when they sing off tune and hit the keys on the keyboard messing you up a dozen times. But it was mother's day and I just soaked it in. I laughed and smiled and listened to my sweet little girl want to be just like me.

And after a great dinner and time with my own mother and sister I got my gift from the girls. Nothing fancy or expensive. Just a binder with a picture outside. A picture of my favorite flower and my name and the girls written just by them. And inside are plastic page protectors to put all their art. It is a book to keep all my special pictures, and man there are a lot. But inside are my memories, the memories of my little ones. They won't be little for too much longer so I have to cherish them while they are. So it wasn't a fancy mother's day as many of my friend have had. But it was simply my day. Just an ordinary day in my life as a mother, it was perfect!

Deep thoughts by Marilee

The beginning of my Journey!

Okay so I have been wanting to post about our March of Dimes walk for a few days now but haven't had the time to let all those emotions back in. In case you remember my post the other day entitled Motherhood melt down... well here is the conclusion. Saturday was an extremely emotional day. I just couldn't get a hold of reality and felt so overwhelmed with emotion it was hard to sort out. On Sunday Morning I was praying about life and things when I got a clear answer and thus prompted me to do something I hate.... I bore my testimony in sacrament. I mean really who loves to get up poor their soul out and sob in front of hundreds of people. NOT ME! But here is the story I shared and more!

Gotta love slugger!

For non KC locals this is our pro baseball mascot, the girls loved meeting him!

Saturday morning as we got to the walk just looking around I felt so overwhelmed with emotion. I could hardly contain it. And I don't think I did a good job hiding it either. At one point Brian looked right at me and asked if I was crying. Oh course I thought about how the conversation might go in my head...

me- "yes I am"

Brian- "why"

me- " I don't know"

Brian- "how do you not know" followed by that look men give you when they think to themselves women are so complicated how do you not know what is upsetting you, really!

And so i thought to avoid this I would simply lie so I responded, "No I just have allergies today and touched my eye too much." I am still not sure if he bought it or thought now is not the time to call me on my lying for no reason. So we got to the opening ceremonies and enjoyed the thoughts and storied shared. (this of course sent another wave of emotion!)

Opening ceremonies!

After that we headed to the starting line and we off on our walk. The first stop was the baby boulevard. It was sobering to say the least. On both sides of the walls were posters of the children the family teams were walking for. There were so many that were "in memory of" and it really pulled at my heart. And as I looked for the girls posters and read each one I noticed something, most of the children that passed were born at the same time or just before the girls were in gestational age. And the ones that survived were born farther along then the girls. This made me wonder "why". Why did the girls make it and so many of these other children did not. How come we were so lucky and others had such a hard ache. It just didn't seem to make sense. And it really got me emotional and thoughtful.

Sunday morning after a long night with the girls it hit me....

"I have been given these girls because it was the Lords will."

I know we are not given trials because we are just unlucky, have somehow made some horrible mistake to earn such hardships, or that other people are just more lucky then us. I know the Lord knows who we will become. He knows the end from the beginning and knows the people we will be when we one day return to Him. He gives us or rather lets trials come out way that will mold us into the people we will be. He lets life teach us who we are inside. And most of the time it doesn't make sense and may not seem fair but that really isn't the point. The point is to learn to grow and to help each other.

These girls try me each day and teach me that I have SO MUCH to learn. But everyday I am grateful for this crazy life of motherhood. I am grateful that I was spared that hardship of loosing my small child who was born much too young. I am thankful for the priesthood that gave the girls the chance to fight for their lives. I am grateful for a worthy husband and amazing doctors who were there for me when the girls had to be taken so suddenly. I know it isn't luck but the Lord.

Then comes my big revelation that just came to me this morning.... I am scared. I am scared so much that it keeps me up at night sometimes. I desperately want another child. I feel that hole inside me that is simply the longing for a baby that is not yet here. I know anyone who had ever wanted to be a mother knows a little of that feeling. And at times I feel that that wish will be granted, while other times I fear I might not get that opportunity. But mostly I fear the unknown. As I walked along that boulevard the pain of thinking that I might not be that lucky the third time around hit me. What if the next one doesn't make it. What if it is simply not His will. What if that child must suffer.

Having a preemie is an experience that you just CAN NOT understand unless you go through it yourself. There is a helplessness that makes breathing hard. You will do anything to ease the pain and suffering your tiny little one is enduring. But you can't do anything but watch. It is hard and so challenging on your emotions and spirit.

My little blessings

Currently we have some acquaintances going through one of the most difficult challenges. One of the little boys from my old sunbeam class has a sick sister. This little boy meant a lot to me. When I was at a low point and wanted a baby boy so bad I was given the calling in the primary. This sweet kid would sit in my lap each Sunday and cuddle with me in class because he just missed his mother. He filled the void and made me remember that we are given many children not just our own to teach. His little sister is two. She is currently undergoing treatment for Neuroblastoma. Brian and I read her mother's blog each night and just marvel at their strength and story. I am reminded that life is precious and that we each have our struggles. I would never trade my hardships for someone else's. They are not for me. I have been given the trials I need to become me, who ever that person is.

I know so many wonderful mothers who seem to just go through so much hard ache and somehow come out strong and AMAZING. I look up to them so much, Tracy and Jordan are a couple of the amazing mothers I am proud to know. I hope one day to learn that strength, faith, and grace. I want to be that kind of mother that inspires others. I want to make a difference in the world. So I will start now. I will try to blog more from the heart and let the world know what I believe, think and feel. I hope that someday someone will read my blog and think thank you, it is so nice to know I am not alone. I know I read some many people's blogs and find strength and comfort.

I love my family and know they have been given to me from a perfect Father in Heaven. I know that he knows me. He knows what I need and more importantly what I must learn to return to Him. I know that we have been put here at this time to work mighty miracles. I hope to take part in many of those along the road of life. I know that happiness comes in moments of clarity where we truly see people and situations as He sees them. And I hope to capture those moments in my heart and share them with you.

So that is my story. That is a little piece of me. I hope you enjoyed it!

Motherhood meltdown

Okay I am here to vent for a minute because if I don't I might start sobbing. Well lets be honest writing feelings down definitely doesn't guarantee that won't happen but it is a start. The last two weeks I have really tried to be present with the girls. To play with them. To put off household duties to spend time with them. They have been going through some drama growth spurts or something so I thought quality time would be needed. Instead of it helping the situation I think it is making it worse. The girls seem to think that now they can get upset every minute I am not giving them my total attention. Not to mention my poor house. I mean it is a complete disaster. Most of you know I keep my house clean and try my best to have it de-germed. Well it is a thing of the past. The bathrooms are a mess, the kitchen has three day old dished still in the dishwasher. And four loads of dirty laundry line the hall.

I don't know what to do or how in the world to keep up with all the demands around here. I just need three or four of me and there is only half of one lately. Ah anyone else feel like this or is it just me. I thought spring would help but instead it just means we are outside more and the house gets even more dirt somehow.